Missing my best friend!!!

So, my best friend has gone to Hong Kong for a week and I am miserable. I am not handling it very well at all. I can't talk to her at all, and I am having trouble making it through the days. Especially when I don't have to work. Tomorrow is going to be a hard day. No work, and dance is not until 7. I think I will clean and maybe do some heavy exercise. Lots and lots of cleaning!!!! I feel as if a part of me is missing. I feel numb and empty without my best friend. You could say my right hand. I dont do anything without her and I don't know how to function with out her. I cry every day and I can't stop once I start. I really really really hate this!!!! I don't know if I can handle another week. I will have to keep my days very pact full of anything and everything!!!!!!! I know it sounds pretty pathetic to listen to me go on about a friend. I know it sounds like a significant other, and it kind of is. She has been there for me and we have been through a lot together. This sucks so bad. I hate this!!!! Here is to another week. Hope I can make it through without my bestest friend and sister. Love you tons Donna Lee Lancaster!!!!!! Can't wait until you are back in Utah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Fearless

I painted my nails today, this wonderful orangeish redish color. The name for this polish is none other than FEARLESS. I received this polish from my amazing best friend Donna. She gave it to me for Valentines day. She said it was something I needed, and thought it could help me through all the rough times and days. I would really love to be fearless. I think that is a great goal to have. It's a very broad term, but it's something I want to be able to achieve in some aspects of my life. Still stsruggling, but doing better than the last post. Still struggling with depression and anxiety, but learning new ways of dealing with it and facing it. Still can't stand on my own two feet yet, and this is something I have realized the past two weekends. i have been somewhat alone the past two weekends, because my best friend has been away with family. She has been the reason I am still standing. Without her I would not be able to stand and live through the ups and downs of life right now. I have to pack my weekends and days full of stuff in order for me to keep going. Without her I feel as if I am all alone and have no where to turn. She has been the constant in my life right now, and I feel lost without her. It doesn't help that I am a girl and my emotions are all over the place right now. I have been an absolute mess the past two days. I bawled my eyes out last night on my way home, and I bawled my eyes out while at work and on my way home from work. There are so many emotions at the surface lately, and it never helps when my hormones are all over the place. I look forward to the day when I can enjoy life and be able to stand on my own two feet. Be able to love my self for who and what I am. Once I can learn to love my self, it will be easier to allow others to love me. So, FEARLESS, that is what I strive to be. Fearless to be on my own and to not live through others. To be able to accept my self and my life, no matter who is apart of it. I want to be able to stand on my own two feet. Here is to FEARLESS!

"Remind me who I am..."

"When I lose my way, and forget my name Remind me who I am. In the mirror all I see is what I don't wanna be, Remind me who I am. In the loneliest places when I can't remember what grace is. Tell me, once again, Who I am to you...When my heart is like a stone, and I'm running far from home, Remind me who I am. When I can't received your love, afraid I'll never be enough, Remind me who I am." This is a song by Jason Grey. It hits everything on the spot. I don't know who I am anymore, and I hate everything about my self and my life. I'm miserable and hating every moment of it. This weekend sucks, and I feel so alone. Can't sleep, crying all the time. I have happy moments, but never happy days. I so want to be happy, and I just cant seem to figure out how. Getting help, but it has only been a couple of weeks. I know you can't change things over night, but I just want to be happy now. I want to love my self and what I have. Instead, I hate my self and can only wish for things to come, and not be grateful for what I have been blessed with now. I'm sinking in this deep dark pit of despair. Hoping things will get better, but see no light at the end of the tunnel. Just stuck at this point in my life.

Thankful!

I am so grateful for all the people the Lord has placed in my life. I am thankful for all the worthy priesthood holders he has placed in my life. That I can call on them in my time of need and ask for a blessing. I am so thankful that I can call on the Lord for help. That he can help me when I am struggling. He can help carry my burdens and ease my troubles. He can and does send the Holy Ghost to help comfort me. No matter where I am in my life, I know I can always call on the Lord for help. I am so thankful for this gospel and all that it can do for me. I am thankful for the Atonement and that I can return to my Heavenly Father. That my sins can be forgiven, and that I can be made whole and perfect. I cannot be perfect on my own, but with and through the Savior Jesus Christ, I can be made perfect in the end. As long as I do my best and keep the commandments of the Lord, the Savior will do the rest. He has put people in my life to help me make it through this life and all of its trials. I am so grateful for all he has blessed me with. He has given me so much, and I take so much of it for grantide. I hope that I can take what I have learned from the wonderful people in my life and been given, and become a better person and more like the Savior. I am so thankful for this gospel, and for all the amazing people the Lord has placed in my life. I am truly blessed with an amazing support system, and I owe it all to the Lord.

A new start!

I said I would not post on here again until I received some good news, and now I have! I have a new job, and no longer have to work at that miserable place called IFA. I will be working at a place called Davinci Virtual and I will be a virtual receptionist for about 5 different companies. No, I do not get to work from home I will be working from an office in Sugar House. I am really excited and scared all at the same time. I have been praying every day for a while now that I would be able to get out of IFA, and the Lord has finally answered my prayers. I am so thanful that he has answered my prayers and has found such an amazing company for me that truly cares about their employees! I have a friend from dance that works there and she absolutely loves it there! I am so excited for this new chapter in my life and can't wait to report more on how it is going. My last day at IFA will be on the 19th of this month and I will start my new job on the 21st.
I know that the lord answers prayers, its just not always in the way we want it or at the time we want it. He knows what is best for us and those around us! He has taught me patience and how to get along with people that are not the greatest. I have met some amazing life long friends at IFA and for that I will be forever grateful! IFA has given me some wonderful people in my life and I will never forget them and all that they have done for me! I am so thankful to the Lord for all that he has given me and blessed me with! I know I can do anything as long as I trust in him! YEAH!!!! More to come.....

Still Alive..

Yep, I'm still alive and kicking. I have decided not to post anything until something exciting and or good happens in my life. Im done with the downer posts for a while and am waiting for some good to happen so I can post that instead of my depressing days and life right now. So, this may be the last post for a while unless the Lord would like to change that any time soon, and thats what I'm hoping for!!! Until then I will try to wait patiently for my life to escape this huge hole that its stuck in. Love you all and thanks for all the uplifting comments, whether it be here or on facebook. I really do appreciate it and it helps me get through each day! Love you and tah tah for now.

Someday...

I have been struggling a lot lately with the here and now. I have felt lost and stuck all at the same time. I feel as if my life is going no where fast. I so desperatley want the someday to be closer, and feel more attainable.I want to see the light at the end of the tunnel. It's as if the world is spinning in cirlces and I am stopped. Watching the world and everyone else in it move forward and go on with their lives. Miserable could be a word used to describe my feelings for the past little while. I get spurts of happiness and I feel as if its not too bad, and then the misery comes back. I see so many people getting married, having families, and or finishing school, and all I can think of is when will it be my turn? The answer is always the same, someday, someday it will be your turn and you will look back and think it was all worth it. The fight and struggle was worth getting to the new here and now.
I can not tell you how much I love going to church and reading my scriptures. Yes, it is true that I am not the best at either one of these, but when I am able to get back on track I feel so much better. Answers come and peace fills my heart to its capacity. Today was one of those days. I went to a friends farewell today and felt the spirit so strongly. In every talk I felt peace in knowing that all would be okay, and that I will make it to my someday. It may be hard at times, but the Lord has blessed me with so many wonderful people to help me get through the here and now. He knew he couldn't be here personally to comfort me, so he has sent me the Holy Ghost to comfort me and some wonderful friends and family. Even when a friend has moved away and is no longer just a 15 minute drive away,they send a random text to say I love you and miss you, that too helps take away some of the pain and lonelyness. It means the world. A random hug from another friend, and a sleep over to just hang out. It all means the world. I am so thankful to the Lord for all the wonderful people he has placed in my life. You guys will never know how much you mean to me and how much I admire and look up to you all. I am so thankful for this gospel. I know that it is true. I know the Lord lives and loves each and every one of us. I know he hears and answers prayers. I have a testimony of the scriptures and how they can be answers to our prayers and give us comfort and peace when we feel we cant go any longer. I have a testimony of tithing. I know that by paying our tithing we will be blessed. We will have the things that we need. I know that families can be together forever, and can't wait to have mine. I am so thankful for the wonderful family the Lord has blessed me with. He has blessed me with amazing parents who truly love me and who have shown me how to be strong, even when times are hard. They have shown me how to love and forgive. They are wonderful and I love them more and more each day! I am so thankful to know that I am never truly alone. The Lord is always by my side, ready to give me a helping hand. He is there to help me with my everyday struggles. To help me get through the now, so I can get to the someday. I know the someday, the Eternal Family, is woth the fight and struggle. We just never realize it until it is upon us. Thank you for being my rocks!