This has become my new theme song. At the moment, I have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Yeah! So exciting, not. It has come as a relief actually. It gives me some answers, and makes things a little bit better. My primary care doctor diagnosed me with Bipolar, and is now referring me to a Psychiatrist. I have been trying for weeks to get into to one. I have to get into one before my new medication runs out. My primary care doctor gave me a new prescription, and then said she could no longer help and referred me to a Psychiatrist. Most of the ones called, could not get me in until the middle of December, and that is far too late. I run out of my medication the first week of December. If any of you have had to take medication for mental health, you know how bad it is to stop taking your medication all of a sudden. It makes the hormones and emotions go crazy, even more than they already are. Thankfully, I got a call back yesterday and I have an appointment with a Psychiatrist next Tuesday, right before Thanksgiving. We will see if she has the same diagnosis as my primary care doctor. Besides that, I have been doing everything I can to stay healthy and fight the ups and downs of said Bipolar. I got a membership to a gym, and I also have a personal trainer I meet with him once a week. So far it is going good. I really like having a personal trainer, and I really like my personal trainer. He is very nice, and very motivating. I also see a Therapist once a week to help with the ups and downs. I try and keep my self busy during the rest of the day, in hopes of keeping my brain occupied. I have a real problem staying focused and on track. My brain jumps from one idea to another so easily and so quickly. Sometimes, most of the time, I feel like my preschool students who are so easily distracted. I cannot focus to save my life.
My medication does seem to be working. It has helped slow my brain down, so I can somewhat process what is going on around me and in my head. The ups and downs are not as bad, but still there. I have read so much about Bipolar disorder lately, and I truly believe I do have a form of Bipolar disorder. I don't believe I have the full blown highest form of Bipolar, but possibly Bipolar II. My manic phases consist of extreme irritability, anger, racing thoughts, loss of focus, easily distracted, reckless driving (so not like me), horrible with my money (again so not like me), and issues staying on task and focused at work. If I do not have a list of what needs to get done, then I start and never finish about 5-10 different projects. If I do make a list and can focus on it, I can knock out the entire list plus some in one day. If I can keep my self focused, I can accomplish a ton during my manic phase.
My depression phase is the complete opposite. I do not have racing thoughts, and I cannot get anything done. I have absolutely no desire to get out of bed and go to work. Thankfully, my OCD and perfectionist side helps me keep my job. I have to be the perfect employee, daughter, friend, teacher, student, supervisor, etc. Some may say that is just called responsibility and being an adult. Nope, it does not feel like a choice to me. I have to go to work, because I cannot disappoint or make someone's day harder. I cannot force my responsibilities onto another coworker, who usually has a lot more stuff that needs to be done than I do. I cannot miss dance, because it's close to performance and we need everyone there. Or I cannot miss it because so many others have missed it. My brain will not let me miss anything, in fear of what others will think and say. I cannot disappoint anyone. Impossible? Yes, it is impossible to not disappoint everyone, but my brain does not care. We have to be perfect in everything we do and say.
This blog is so nice for me. It makes it so I can put my thoughts out there and not have to think about them. I do not care if anyone reads my blog, it is mainly for me to spill my guts without burdening someone else with it all. I am writing this post from work, and it is time to get back to it. My cute little kiddos will be arriving soon, and I need to get back on track and focused.
Ta Ta for now:)
Wednesday, November 19, 2014
Tuesday, September 23, 2014
A long long time ago....
Wow, it has been far too long since I last updated this thing. I am sure no one is following me or watching my blog any more, because I have not written anything on here or been on here for almost a year. Things have changed a lot since I last wrote on here. I am not sure where to start. I guess I will start with the best part of my life!
I am now the lead teacher at my school! It is very exciting and stressful, but I absolutely love it! There is no better job out there. Don't get me wrong, it is very challenging, but it is the best part of my life so far! My dream job. I love the people I work with. The Special Education team I work with is absolutely amazing!!! I don't know what I would do without them. The first of the year is always a rough one. Especially when I only have about one English speaker in each of my classes. Lets just say I have become quit the actress:). Pantomiming is a great talent to have in preschool. The hardest part so far is trying to communicate with the parents as well as their students. I have 5 different languages that are spoken in my class. Half of my kiddos speak Spanish, and the rest speak various languages from Asia. I barely know enough Spanish to let my kiddos know I am not happy with what they are doing, to sit on their fish, read a book, wash their hands, bathroom necessary, and some of the basic colors. It's not much or enough, but it does help them understand a little bit until they can get the routine down.
Home is very interesting. I now live with my mom in Tooele. It is quit the drive to work and then home from dance. I live in the basement with my own entrance. Everyone basically keeps to them selves, and it gets very lonely. Unless it is hunting season, we usually have a family dinner together. Why hunting season you say? Well, Robbie, my moms husband, owns his own Beef Jerky shop called Thompsons Jerky. You may have heard of it. Their biggest time of year is hunting season. They make pure profit this time of year. People bring in their meat to have it butchered, turned into jerky, and whatever else you do with your game meat. They do not have to pay for anything, so they make their biggest amount of money during this time of the year.
I guess I should tell you my mom got married two days after my birthday in March. She is very happy and Robbie is an amazing guy. I love to see my mom so happy all of the time. The only down part, is the 62 year old creepy man that lives in their basement. He is a nice guy, but he has no teeth, has the build of a druggy, and does not have a real job. He helps Robbie around the house as well as at the shop during the busy season. He does the laundry, not mine or my moms, he cleans the house, takes care of the youngest boy (treats him like a toddler), and anything else that Robbie may need. I have no idea why he is there, but he really creeps me out. He lives in the basement with me. I have locks on all of my doors, and have them locked majority of the time. I will not give his name out, but will just call him Creeper. I know that sounds harsh, but you would feel the same way if you lived with him. It is just a very weird dynamic at the house.
Back to me living at my moms. I basically keep to myself, because no one else is usually ever around. Mondays and Tuesdays I go straight from work to dance, so I leave my house at 7A.M. and return anywhere between 9 &10P.M. It makes for some very long days.
I still teach and take dance. Monday nights I take class for 3 hours. It is a lot of work these days. Not only am I getting older, but I sprained both ankles at the end of June, and they are just not healing very fast. They are getting better, but not as fast as I would like them to. I teach dance on Tuesdays, to girls that range from 12-19. They are a fun bunch of girls, but sometimes it is just like teaching preschool. I actually think my preschoolers behave better than they do most of the time. I taught them a lyrical this year, and I am really excited for them to perform it as well as compete it. The song is "Coming Home" by Skylar Gray. My dance is about soldiers who have gone to war and how them come home. They all come home, but not in the way we would like them too. They may come home in a box, missing body parts, MIA, or missing part of their soul that was lost during their horrible time over seas. The girls are amazing dancers, and it is so exciting to see your choreography come to life. Especially when it is the way you imagined it.
Now on to me personally. I am not sure what to say about that. I am still struggling with my anxiety and depression, and it is not getting any easier. If it were not for my job and my cute dance students, I don't think I would be able to survive and stay afloat. My self esteem is still so low. I have no faith in myself, and it is hard to accept the positives that other people see in me. My coping mechanisms are awful and probably getting worse. I still sometimes starve my self, and now have turned to scratching/cutting. I know it not an okay coping mechanism, but sometimes it feels as if that is the only thing that helps ease the pain. It is a great release for the pain that is inside that I can't seem to let out. I still go to Therapy, just started back up, and we are working on it. My Therapist told me about this really cool project called "The Butterfly Project". Every time you feel the need to cut or self harm, you draw a butterfly in pen or sharpies. If you do not cut/self harm, then the butterflies live. If you cut then the butterfly or butterflies all die. You can also put someone's name under the butterfly so it helps you to not kill it. I have two butterflies on my right leg. It really does work if you can get the butterflies on your leg. Mine are beautiful, and I am considering get a butterfly tattoo on each leg, but we will see. It is not something I recommend anyone doing. It starts out feeling good and then you feel guilty right after you do it. Then, after a while you do not feel anything and you want to do more. It becomes an addiction that you can't stop, no matter how much people beg or ask you too. You could start crying and yelling at me and I don't think it would make me stop. They will feel guilty at the moment and a couple of hours afterwards, but then the next day is a new day and the urge is too strong no too. It is so crazy to me. I never would have imagined myself this way or doing these things. I have so much more respect and empathy for people now. You really never know what someone is going through in their personal life. So, for now that is all I am going to say. I will try and keep you updated on how things are going, and will try and make my posts more positive. I know, this one was a doosey, as are most of my posts, but this is my outlet. Writing it down and putting words to it really does help sometimes.
Please spread the word if you know of anyone who is struggling with self harm. This is a beautiful and amazing project!
I am now the lead teacher at my school! It is very exciting and stressful, but I absolutely love it! There is no better job out there. Don't get me wrong, it is very challenging, but it is the best part of my life so far! My dream job. I love the people I work with. The Special Education team I work with is absolutely amazing!!! I don't know what I would do without them. The first of the year is always a rough one. Especially when I only have about one English speaker in each of my classes. Lets just say I have become quit the actress:). Pantomiming is a great talent to have in preschool. The hardest part so far is trying to communicate with the parents as well as their students. I have 5 different languages that are spoken in my class. Half of my kiddos speak Spanish, and the rest speak various languages from Asia. I barely know enough Spanish to let my kiddos know I am not happy with what they are doing, to sit on their fish, read a book, wash their hands, bathroom necessary, and some of the basic colors. It's not much or enough, but it does help them understand a little bit until they can get the routine down.
Home is very interesting. I now live with my mom in Tooele. It is quit the drive to work and then home from dance. I live in the basement with my own entrance. Everyone basically keeps to them selves, and it gets very lonely. Unless it is hunting season, we usually have a family dinner together. Why hunting season you say? Well, Robbie, my moms husband, owns his own Beef Jerky shop called Thompsons Jerky. You may have heard of it. Their biggest time of year is hunting season. They make pure profit this time of year. People bring in their meat to have it butchered, turned into jerky, and whatever else you do with your game meat. They do not have to pay for anything, so they make their biggest amount of money during this time of the year.
I guess I should tell you my mom got married two days after my birthday in March. She is very happy and Robbie is an amazing guy. I love to see my mom so happy all of the time. The only down part, is the 62 year old creepy man that lives in their basement. He is a nice guy, but he has no teeth, has the build of a druggy, and does not have a real job. He helps Robbie around the house as well as at the shop during the busy season. He does the laundry, not mine or my moms, he cleans the house, takes care of the youngest boy (treats him like a toddler), and anything else that Robbie may need. I have no idea why he is there, but he really creeps me out. He lives in the basement with me. I have locks on all of my doors, and have them locked majority of the time. I will not give his name out, but will just call him Creeper. I know that sounds harsh, but you would feel the same way if you lived with him. It is just a very weird dynamic at the house.
Back to me living at my moms. I basically keep to myself, because no one else is usually ever around. Mondays and Tuesdays I go straight from work to dance, so I leave my house at 7A.M. and return anywhere between 9 &10P.M. It makes for some very long days.
I still teach and take dance. Monday nights I take class for 3 hours. It is a lot of work these days. Not only am I getting older, but I sprained both ankles at the end of June, and they are just not healing very fast. They are getting better, but not as fast as I would like them to. I teach dance on Tuesdays, to girls that range from 12-19. They are a fun bunch of girls, but sometimes it is just like teaching preschool. I actually think my preschoolers behave better than they do most of the time. I taught them a lyrical this year, and I am really excited for them to perform it as well as compete it. The song is "Coming Home" by Skylar Gray. My dance is about soldiers who have gone to war and how them come home. They all come home, but not in the way we would like them too. They may come home in a box, missing body parts, MIA, or missing part of their soul that was lost during their horrible time over seas. The girls are amazing dancers, and it is so exciting to see your choreography come to life. Especially when it is the way you imagined it.
Now on to me personally. I am not sure what to say about that. I am still struggling with my anxiety and depression, and it is not getting any easier. If it were not for my job and my cute dance students, I don't think I would be able to survive and stay afloat. My self esteem is still so low. I have no faith in myself, and it is hard to accept the positives that other people see in me. My coping mechanisms are awful and probably getting worse. I still sometimes starve my self, and now have turned to scratching/cutting. I know it not an okay coping mechanism, but sometimes it feels as if that is the only thing that helps ease the pain. It is a great release for the pain that is inside that I can't seem to let out. I still go to Therapy, just started back up, and we are working on it. My Therapist told me about this really cool project called "The Butterfly Project". Every time you feel the need to cut or self harm, you draw a butterfly in pen or sharpies. If you do not cut/self harm, then the butterflies live. If you cut then the butterfly or butterflies all die. You can also put someone's name under the butterfly so it helps you to not kill it. I have two butterflies on my right leg. It really does work if you can get the butterflies on your leg. Mine are beautiful, and I am considering get a butterfly tattoo on each leg, but we will see. It is not something I recommend anyone doing. It starts out feeling good and then you feel guilty right after you do it. Then, after a while you do not feel anything and you want to do more. It becomes an addiction that you can't stop, no matter how much people beg or ask you too. You could start crying and yelling at me and I don't think it would make me stop. They will feel guilty at the moment and a couple of hours afterwards, but then the next day is a new day and the urge is too strong no too. It is so crazy to me. I never would have imagined myself this way or doing these things. I have so much more respect and empathy for people now. You really never know what someone is going through in their personal life. So, for now that is all I am going to say. I will try and keep you updated on how things are going, and will try and make my posts more positive. I know, this one was a doosey, as are most of my posts, but this is my outlet. Writing it down and putting words to it really does help sometimes.
Please spread the word if you know of anyone who is struggling with self harm. This is a beautiful and amazing project!
Friday, September 27, 2013
It's been a while...
It has been almost a year since my last post. Things have changed dramatically since then. I have moved out of my mom's house and live in an apartment with my best friend. I also have a new job. I am a preschool teacher with Granite School District. I am still very happy with my decision to get my tattoo, and I still teach and go to dance. I am doing better than the last time I posted, but still have my daily struggles, but then again we all do. I think I will go in more detail of how life has been going lately.
Dance just started back up again, and I still teach ages 13-17, and I love every minute of it. However, this year I was asked to choreograph a dance for my own team. This was a huge struggle for me. I am so insecure with my self that this was a huge challenge for me. I was so worried about what everyone was going to think, and I desperately wanted all my team mates to enjoy and like the dance. I taught a workshop to all of my team on a Saturday and we learned the entire 2 minute 45 second dance in two hours. I left the studio feeling defeated. I did not feel like a had done a good enough job, or that I was a good teacher and was not able to explain things appropriately. I had to go set up my classroom, so I had a nice car ride and cried the whole way there and sat in the parking lot for a while. The owner of the studio sent me a text saying she hoped it went well and that she loved me. I sent her one back letting her know that I did not think it went that well, and it seemed as if people were angry, frustrated, and some even shed some tears. Of course, this did not help my insecurities. I have come a long way though, and texted the girls that I thought were un happy with me, my dance, and my choreography. Both of them let me know that their mood had nothing to do with my teaching, choreography, or even me. One was pregnant and was not even sure why she was crying, and the other said she was tired and exhausted from doing two jobs at work, while a co-worker was out on personal leave. I also got a call from the owner and she talked me down. She let me know that she would have never asked me to teach the team if she did not think I could do it, and if she did not think it would be good enough or hard enough. She also told me that I needed to believe in my self as much as she does and other people do. This is not something that is new to me. I never believe people when they give me a compliment. I think they are just saying that because they feel they have to or because they feel bad for me or something. My brain constantly tells me the nice things people say about me are lies. It is something that I have struggled with my entire life. I am starting to be okay with my dance and the fact that I and my team are performing it. I am trying to ignore what I think everyone is saying, and just enjoy the fact that the owner and some of my peers wanted me to choreograph the dance. I am excited for what this dance year will bring!
Another change is my living situation. I moved out of my mom's house the end of May 2013, and it is everything that I have expected it to be. I knew it would be hard and money would be tight sometimes, but I do not regret moving out on my own. I absolutely love it and would not change a thing, minus having a little more money to make me feel more secure. They allow pets, so I was able to bring Ottis with me. He absolutely loves it there. Not sure why since it is a small place and he does not have a backyard to run around in. We go to my mom's to do laundry and she watches him once in a while when I have to go out of town or am babysitting for the weekend, and he just cries when I leave him there. He gets so happy when I come to pick him up. Last time I think his little paws only hit the ground 3 times from my mom's door to my car. It normally takes his little paws about twenty steps to get to my car. I am so surprised by how much he loves it there. And honestly, I love having him there as well. I thought it would be hard taking him down three sets of stairs to go the bathroom, but it is not bad and he has gotten good at letting me know when he needs to go out and not going in the house. We still do not have a ton of things in our apartment to make it look homely, but we are getting there. First we need to get a vacuum and cleaning supplies. Pretty sure those should come before home décor:).
Work has also changed since I last posted. I had moved departments and was much happier than when I first started, but I still was not very happy. My depression and anxiety were not getting any better and I just needed to change something fast. A friend I dance with let me know about preschool services and I sent my application to the secretary of the department. They did not have any postings on line, but I thought I would just let them know I was interested in case anything came up. I got a call about a week later, and they said they were hiring and wanted to set up an interview. I was so shocked and so thankful that I sent my resume in even though there were no postings. I went to the interview and felt things went very well. I had not heard from them in a while, but I was okay with not getting the job because I had stepped out of my comfort zone and made a stride in changing my life. I had gone to St. George to visit one of my best friends/sisters, so I could get a break and try and get some happiness back in my life and soul. It worked very well, she always makes me smile and feel so much better. I love spending time with my SFF Deja! I came back and two days later I got a call from one of the supervisors and they offered me a job. I could not believe it, I was so excited and said YES! The hard part now, was giving my two weeks notice to my current job. I had made some great friends there, but I was not happy and needed to leave. I put my two weeks notice in and my last day at Davinci was August 16th. It was a bitter sweet day and I miss those girls dearly. The following Monday was my first day of my new job and it was an 8 hour training. It was so long and very overwhelming. They had offered me a position of being the lead teacher, but I did not feel that I was up for that just yet. I was still struggling with my depression, and I didn't want to add too much stress at first. I wanted to make sure I was cut out for this. I had many training my first week and it was a long overwhelming week. My brain felt like it could not hold any more information. I met my lead teacher and found out our classroom was getting a grant, so we would not be starting when everyone else was starting. We had to pack up our classroom because we were getting all new furniture! We were very excited, but very stressed and worried. I quit my good paying job for this and now I was not going to have money coming in for a while. It was a struggle and still is a struggle money wise. I still have not gotten my first paycheck and have been working my new job for over a month now. But, the school district only pays the employee's once a month and I had just missed the cut off date. We finally got all our stuff, and we started class this last Monday. It was a little rough the first two days, but I am loving it now! I know it has only been a week, but I absolutely love my job! I love working with these kids and watching their faces light up when they get something right. I only work Monday-Thursday now, and I am really liking that as well. I work less hours than I did at my old job, but make more an hour. Thankfully it evens out to be close to the same amount of money in the end. I am so thankful the lord nudged me into getting this job! It is just amazing and I could not think of anything better to do.
Now, in regards to me personally. I am doing so much better than last year at this time. I still have low days, anxiety and depression, but is starting to get under control. I still don't feel like everything is going the way I would like, but it is a start. Donna's dad found the church and time that we belong to now, and I am considering going back to church. I have never stopped believing the gospel, but have a very hard time going by my self. I get so anxious when I go places that have a lot of people in them. I try to remember that the Sacrament is the most important part of the meeting and as long as I can get through that, then it is okay. I try and go to as many meetings as possible, but know that it is okay to just go to Sacrament. I still have the demons in my head that tear me down every day and make me feel horrible about my self, but I know I can get through this and everything will be worth it in the end.
I am so thankful for the wonderful family and friends in my life. They have been an amazing support for me. I don't know what I would do without them. I can honestly say I would not be here if it were not for my parents, best friends and extended/adopted family. I owe my life to them and will forever be in their debt. My best buds Donna and Deja have been life savors and are always there for me when I need them. My mom is a rock and I love her so much! She was and is always there for me and I love when I get random texts from her. It puts a smile on my face and brightens up my day. My dad and step mom have also been wonderful through all of this as well. My dance family is also amazing, they were all there when I needed help and always willing to help me out. I could not have gotten through the days without the random texts, cards, and facebook posts from them. Life is a struggle still, but I am a stronger person because of it, and will fight the demons in my head until the day I die.
Love you all, and will try and update you on life more often!
Brandie
Dance just started back up again, and I still teach ages 13-17, and I love every minute of it. However, this year I was asked to choreograph a dance for my own team. This was a huge struggle for me. I am so insecure with my self that this was a huge challenge for me. I was so worried about what everyone was going to think, and I desperately wanted all my team mates to enjoy and like the dance. I taught a workshop to all of my team on a Saturday and we learned the entire 2 minute 45 second dance in two hours. I left the studio feeling defeated. I did not feel like a had done a good enough job, or that I was a good teacher and was not able to explain things appropriately. I had to go set up my classroom, so I had a nice car ride and cried the whole way there and sat in the parking lot for a while. The owner of the studio sent me a text saying she hoped it went well and that she loved me. I sent her one back letting her know that I did not think it went that well, and it seemed as if people were angry, frustrated, and some even shed some tears. Of course, this did not help my insecurities. I have come a long way though, and texted the girls that I thought were un happy with me, my dance, and my choreography. Both of them let me know that their mood had nothing to do with my teaching, choreography, or even me. One was pregnant and was not even sure why she was crying, and the other said she was tired and exhausted from doing two jobs at work, while a co-worker was out on personal leave. I also got a call from the owner and she talked me down. She let me know that she would have never asked me to teach the team if she did not think I could do it, and if she did not think it would be good enough or hard enough. She also told me that I needed to believe in my self as much as she does and other people do. This is not something that is new to me. I never believe people when they give me a compliment. I think they are just saying that because they feel they have to or because they feel bad for me or something. My brain constantly tells me the nice things people say about me are lies. It is something that I have struggled with my entire life. I am starting to be okay with my dance and the fact that I and my team are performing it. I am trying to ignore what I think everyone is saying, and just enjoy the fact that the owner and some of my peers wanted me to choreograph the dance. I am excited for what this dance year will bring!
Another change is my living situation. I moved out of my mom's house the end of May 2013, and it is everything that I have expected it to be. I knew it would be hard and money would be tight sometimes, but I do not regret moving out on my own. I absolutely love it and would not change a thing, minus having a little more money to make me feel more secure. They allow pets, so I was able to bring Ottis with me. He absolutely loves it there. Not sure why since it is a small place and he does not have a backyard to run around in. We go to my mom's to do laundry and she watches him once in a while when I have to go out of town or am babysitting for the weekend, and he just cries when I leave him there. He gets so happy when I come to pick him up. Last time I think his little paws only hit the ground 3 times from my mom's door to my car. It normally takes his little paws about twenty steps to get to my car. I am so surprised by how much he loves it there. And honestly, I love having him there as well. I thought it would be hard taking him down three sets of stairs to go the bathroom, but it is not bad and he has gotten good at letting me know when he needs to go out and not going in the house. We still do not have a ton of things in our apartment to make it look homely, but we are getting there. First we need to get a vacuum and cleaning supplies. Pretty sure those should come before home décor:).
Work has also changed since I last posted. I had moved departments and was much happier than when I first started, but I still was not very happy. My depression and anxiety were not getting any better and I just needed to change something fast. A friend I dance with let me know about preschool services and I sent my application to the secretary of the department. They did not have any postings on line, but I thought I would just let them know I was interested in case anything came up. I got a call about a week later, and they said they were hiring and wanted to set up an interview. I was so shocked and so thankful that I sent my resume in even though there were no postings. I went to the interview and felt things went very well. I had not heard from them in a while, but I was okay with not getting the job because I had stepped out of my comfort zone and made a stride in changing my life. I had gone to St. George to visit one of my best friends/sisters, so I could get a break and try and get some happiness back in my life and soul. It worked very well, she always makes me smile and feel so much better. I love spending time with my SFF Deja! I came back and two days later I got a call from one of the supervisors and they offered me a job. I could not believe it, I was so excited and said YES! The hard part now, was giving my two weeks notice to my current job. I had made some great friends there, but I was not happy and needed to leave. I put my two weeks notice in and my last day at Davinci was August 16th. It was a bitter sweet day and I miss those girls dearly. The following Monday was my first day of my new job and it was an 8 hour training. It was so long and very overwhelming. They had offered me a position of being the lead teacher, but I did not feel that I was up for that just yet. I was still struggling with my depression, and I didn't want to add too much stress at first. I wanted to make sure I was cut out for this. I had many training my first week and it was a long overwhelming week. My brain felt like it could not hold any more information. I met my lead teacher and found out our classroom was getting a grant, so we would not be starting when everyone else was starting. We had to pack up our classroom because we were getting all new furniture! We were very excited, but very stressed and worried. I quit my good paying job for this and now I was not going to have money coming in for a while. It was a struggle and still is a struggle money wise. I still have not gotten my first paycheck and have been working my new job for over a month now. But, the school district only pays the employee's once a month and I had just missed the cut off date. We finally got all our stuff, and we started class this last Monday. It was a little rough the first two days, but I am loving it now! I know it has only been a week, but I absolutely love my job! I love working with these kids and watching their faces light up when they get something right. I only work Monday-Thursday now, and I am really liking that as well. I work less hours than I did at my old job, but make more an hour. Thankfully it evens out to be close to the same amount of money in the end. I am so thankful the lord nudged me into getting this job! It is just amazing and I could not think of anything better to do.
Now, in regards to me personally. I am doing so much better than last year at this time. I still have low days, anxiety and depression, but is starting to get under control. I still don't feel like everything is going the way I would like, but it is a start. Donna's dad found the church and time that we belong to now, and I am considering going back to church. I have never stopped believing the gospel, but have a very hard time going by my self. I get so anxious when I go places that have a lot of people in them. I try to remember that the Sacrament is the most important part of the meeting and as long as I can get through that, then it is okay. I try and go to as many meetings as possible, but know that it is okay to just go to Sacrament. I still have the demons in my head that tear me down every day and make me feel horrible about my self, but I know I can get through this and everything will be worth it in the end.
I am so thankful for the wonderful family and friends in my life. They have been an amazing support for me. I don't know what I would do without them. I can honestly say I would not be here if it were not for my parents, best friends and extended/adopted family. I owe my life to them and will forever be in their debt. My best buds Donna and Deja have been life savors and are always there for me when I need them. My mom is a rock and I love her so much! She was and is always there for me and I love when I get random texts from her. It puts a smile on my face and brightens up my day. My dad and step mom have also been wonderful through all of this as well. My dance family is also amazing, they were all there when I needed help and always willing to help me out. I could not have gotten through the days without the random texts, cards, and facebook posts from them. Life is a struggle still, but I am a stronger person because of it, and will fight the demons in my head until the day I die.
Love you all, and will try and update you on life more often!
Brandie
Monday, October 8, 2012
....Worth it.
Saturday, September 22, 2012
FIREWORK.....
It has been a long while since I last wrote on here, and I wish I could say my post was happier than the last ones. I was doing better for a while. I had gotten on medicine and was/am seeing a counselor. Then about a month ago everything startgin falling apart again. Don't know why? I am on new medicine now, and I really really hope it starts working soon. The only exciting thing that will be happening, is I am getting a tattoo. It will be on my wrist and it is going to say "Worth It". It will be a constant reminder to my self that me and my life are worth it. It has been something I have struggled with for a long time, and has gotten worse over the years.
I did get a promotion at work! That was exciting. I am now in the Customer Care departemtn, and I like it so much better! I have met some wonderful people and really enjoy all the people I work with. Dance has started again, and I know teach the oldest students, besides my class, and I love it. I was not sure how it was going to go, but I really have enjoyed it so far. They are a bunch of beautiful young woman and dancers! I am so proud and honored to be their teacher! That is really all that has been going on in my life lately. Just trying to keep my head above water and lose it. Love you all!
Do you ever feel like a plastic bagDrifting through the wind, wanting to start again?Do you ever feel, feel so paper thinLike a house of cards, one blow from caving in?
Do you ever feel already buried deep?Six feet under screams, but no one seems to hear a thingDo you know that there's still a chance for you'Cause there's a spark in you?
You just gotta ignite the light and let it shineJust own the night like the 4th of July
'Cause baby, you're a fireworkCome on, show 'em what you're worthMake 'em go, oh, oh, ohAs you shoot across the sky
Baby, you're a fireworkCome on, let your colors burstMake 'em go, oh, oh, ohYou're gonna leave 'em falling down
You don't have to feel like a waste of spaceYou're original, cannot be replacedIf you only knew what the future holdsAfter a hurricane comes a rainbow
Maybe you're reason why all the doors are closedSo you could open one that leads you to the perfect roadLike a lightning bolt, your heart will blowAnd when it's time, you'll know
You just gotta ignite the light and let it shineJust own the night like the 4th of July
'Cause baby you're a fireworkCome on, show 'em what you're worthMake 'em go, oh, oh, ohAs you shoot across the sky
Baby, you're a fireworkCome on, let your colors burstMake 'em go, oh, oh, ohYou're gonna leave 'em falling down
Boom, boom, boomEven brighter than the moon, moon, moonIt's always been inside of you, you, youAnd now it's time to let it through
'Cause baby you're a fireworkCome on, show 'em what you're worthMake 'em go, oh, oh, ohAs you shoot across the sky
Baby, you're a fireworkCome on, let your colors burstMake 'em go, oh, oh, ohYou're gonna leave 'em falling down
Boom, boom, boomEven brighter than the moon, moon, moonBoom, boom, boomEven brighter than the moon, moon, moon
Read more: KATY PERRY - FIREWORK LYRICS
I did get a promotion at work! That was exciting. I am now in the Customer Care departemtn, and I like it so much better! I have met some wonderful people and really enjoy all the people I work with. Dance has started again, and I know teach the oldest students, besides my class, and I love it. I was not sure how it was going to go, but I really have enjoyed it so far. They are a bunch of beautiful young woman and dancers! I am so proud and honored to be their teacher! That is really all that has been going on in my life lately. Just trying to keep my head above water and lose it. Love you all!
Do you ever feel like a plastic bagDrifting through the wind, wanting to start again?Do you ever feel, feel so paper thinLike a house of cards, one blow from caving in?
Do you ever feel already buried deep?Six feet under screams, but no one seems to hear a thingDo you know that there's still a chance for you'Cause there's a spark in you?
You just gotta ignite the light and let it shineJust own the night like the 4th of July
'Cause baby, you're a fireworkCome on, show 'em what you're worthMake 'em go, oh, oh, ohAs you shoot across the sky
Baby, you're a fireworkCome on, let your colors burstMake 'em go, oh, oh, ohYou're gonna leave 'em falling down
You don't have to feel like a waste of spaceYou're original, cannot be replacedIf you only knew what the future holdsAfter a hurricane comes a rainbow
Maybe you're reason why all the doors are closedSo you could open one that leads you to the perfect roadLike a lightning bolt, your heart will blowAnd when it's time, you'll know
You just gotta ignite the light and let it shineJust own the night like the 4th of July
'Cause baby you're a fireworkCome on, show 'em what you're worthMake 'em go, oh, oh, ohAs you shoot across the sky
Baby, you're a fireworkCome on, let your colors burstMake 'em go, oh, oh, ohYou're gonna leave 'em falling down
Boom, boom, boomEven brighter than the moon, moon, moonIt's always been inside of you, you, youAnd now it's time to let it through
'Cause baby you're a fireworkCome on, show 'em what you're worthMake 'em go, oh, oh, ohAs you shoot across the sky
Baby, you're a fireworkCome on, let your colors burstMake 'em go, oh, oh, ohYou're gonna leave 'em falling down
Boom, boom, boomEven brighter than the moon, moon, moonBoom, boom, boomEven brighter than the moon, moon, moon
Read more: KATY PERRY - FIREWORK LYRICS
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Missing my best friend!!!
So, my best friend has gone to Hong Kong for a week and I am miserable. I am not handling it very well at all. I can't talk to her at all, and I am having trouble making it through the days. Especially when I don't have to work. Tomorrow is going to be a hard day. No work, and dance is not until 7. I think I will clean and maybe do some heavy exercise. Lots and lots of cleaning!!!! I feel as if a part of me is missing. I feel numb and empty without my best friend. You could say my right hand. I dont do anything without her and I don't know how to function with out her. I cry every day and I can't stop once I start. I really really really hate this!!!! I don't know if I can handle another week. I will have to keep my days very pact full of anything and everything!!!!!!! I know it sounds pretty pathetic to listen to me go on about a friend. I know it sounds like a significant other, and it kind of is. She has been there for me and we have been through a lot together. This sucks so bad. I hate this!!!! Here is to another week. Hope I can make it through without my bestest friend and sister. Love you tons Donna Lee Lancaster!!!!!! Can't wait until you are back in Utah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Friday, February 17, 2012
Fearless
I painted my nails today, this wonderful orangeish redish color. The name for this polish is none other than FEARLESS. I received this polish from my amazing best friend Donna. She gave it to me for Valentines day. She said it was something I needed, and thought it could help me through all the rough times and days. I would really love to be fearless. I think that is a great goal to have. It's a very broad term, but it's something I want to be able to achieve in some aspects of my life. Still stsruggling, but doing better than the last post. Still struggling with depression and anxiety, but learning new ways of dealing with it and facing it. Still can't stand on my own two feet yet, and this is something I have realized the past two weekends. i have been somewhat alone the past two weekends, because my best friend has been away with family. She has been the reason I am still standing. Without her I would not be able to stand and live through the ups and downs of life right now. I have to pack my weekends and days full of stuff in order for me to keep going. Without her I feel as if I am all alone and have no where to turn. She has been the constant in my life right now, and I feel lost without her. It doesn't help that I am a girl and my emotions are all over the place right now. I have been an absolute mess the past two days. I bawled my eyes out last night on my way home, and I bawled my eyes out while at work and on my way home from work. There are so many emotions at the surface lately, and it never helps when my hormones are all over the place. I look forward to the day when I can enjoy life and be able to stand on my own two feet. Be able to love my self for who and what I am. Once I can learn to love my self, it will be easier to allow others to love me. So, FEARLESS, that is what I strive to be. Fearless to be on my own and to not live through others. To be able to accept my self and my life, no matter who is apart of it. I want to be able to stand on my own two feet. Here is to FEARLESS!
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