I am now the lead teacher at my school! It is very exciting and stressful, but I absolutely love it! There is no better job out there. Don't get me wrong, it is very challenging, but it is the best part of my life so far! My dream job. I love the people I work with. The Special Education team I work with is absolutely amazing!!! I don't know what I would do without them. The first of the year is always a rough one. Especially when I only have about one English speaker in each of my classes. Lets just say I have become quit the actress:). Pantomiming is a great talent to have in preschool. The hardest part so far is trying to communicate with the parents as well as their students. I have 5 different languages that are spoken in my class. Half of my kiddos speak Spanish, and the rest speak various languages from Asia. I barely know enough Spanish to let my kiddos know I am not happy with what they are doing, to sit on their fish, read a book, wash their hands, bathroom necessary, and some of the basic colors. It's not much or enough, but it does help them understand a little bit until they can get the routine down.
Home is very interesting. I now live with my mom in Tooele. It is quit the drive to work and then home from dance. I live in the basement with my own entrance. Everyone basically keeps to them selves, and it gets very lonely. Unless it is hunting season, we usually have a family dinner together. Why hunting season you say? Well, Robbie, my moms husband, owns his own Beef Jerky shop called Thompsons Jerky. You may have heard of it. Their biggest time of year is hunting season. They make pure profit this time of year. People bring in their meat to have it butchered, turned into jerky, and whatever else you do with your game meat. They do not have to pay for anything, so they make their biggest amount of money during this time of the year.
I guess I should tell you my mom got married two days after my birthday in March. She is very happy and Robbie is an amazing guy. I love to see my mom so happy all of the time. The only down part, is the 62 year old creepy man that lives in their basement. He is a nice guy, but he has no teeth, has the build of a druggy, and does not have a real job. He helps Robbie around the house as well as at the shop during the busy season. He does the laundry, not mine or my moms, he cleans the house, takes care of the youngest boy (treats him like a toddler), and anything else that Robbie may need. I have no idea why he is there, but he really creeps me out. He lives in the basement with me. I have locks on all of my doors, and have them locked majority of the time. I will not give his name out, but will just call him Creeper. I know that sounds harsh, but you would feel the same way if you lived with him. It is just a very weird dynamic at the house.
Back to me living at my moms. I basically keep to myself, because no one else is usually ever around. Mondays and Tuesdays I go straight from work to dance, so I leave my house at 7A.M. and return anywhere between 9 &10P.M. It makes for some very long days.
I still teach and take dance. Monday nights I take class for 3 hours. It is a lot of work these days. Not only am I getting older, but I sprained both ankles at the end of June, and they are just not healing very fast. They are getting better, but not as fast as I would like them to. I teach dance on Tuesdays, to girls that range from 12-19. They are a fun bunch of girls, but sometimes it is just like teaching preschool. I actually think my preschoolers behave better than they do most of the time. I taught them a lyrical this year, and I am really excited for them to perform it as well as compete it. The song is "Coming Home" by Skylar Gray. My dance is about soldiers who have gone to war and how them come home. They all come home, but not in the way we would like them too. They may come home in a box, missing body parts, MIA, or missing part of their soul that was lost during their horrible time over seas. The girls are amazing dancers, and it is so exciting to see your choreography come to life. Especially when it is the way you imagined it.
Now on to me personally. I am not sure what to say about that. I am still struggling with my anxiety and depression, and it is not getting any easier. If it were not for my job and my cute dance students, I don't think I would be able to survive and stay afloat. My self esteem is still so low. I have no faith in myself, and it is hard to accept the positives that other people see in me. My coping mechanisms are awful and probably getting worse. I still sometimes starve my self, and now have turned to scratching/cutting. I know it not an okay coping mechanism, but sometimes it feels as if that is the only thing that helps ease the pain. It is a great release for the pain that is inside that I can't seem to let out. I still go to Therapy, just started back up, and we are working on it. My Therapist told me about this really cool project called "The Butterfly Project". Every time you feel the need to cut or self harm, you draw a butterfly in pen or sharpies. If you do not cut/self harm, then the butterflies live. If you cut then the butterfly or butterflies all die. You can also put someone's name under the butterfly so it helps you to not kill it. I have two butterflies on my right leg. It really does work if you can get the butterflies on your leg. Mine are beautiful, and I am considering get a butterfly tattoo on each leg, but we will see. It is not something I recommend anyone doing. It starts out feeling good and then you feel guilty right after you do it. Then, after a while you do not feel anything and you want to do more. It becomes an addiction that you can't stop, no matter how much people beg or ask you too. You could start crying and yelling at me and I don't think it would make me stop. They will feel guilty at the moment and a couple of hours afterwards, but then the next day is a new day and the urge is too strong no too. It is so crazy to me. I never would have imagined myself this way or doing these things. I have so much more respect and empathy for people now. You really never know what someone is going through in their personal life. So, for now that is all I am going to say. I will try and keep you updated on how things are going, and will try and make my posts more positive. I know, this one was a doosey, as are most of my posts, but this is my outlet. Writing it down and putting words to it really does help sometimes.
Please spread the word if you know of anyone who is struggling with self harm. This is a beautiful and amazing project!
