It's been a while...

It has been almost a year since my last post. Things have changed dramatically since then. I have moved out of my mom's house and live in an apartment with my best friend. I also have a new job. I am a preschool teacher with Granite School District. I am still very happy with my decision to get my tattoo, and I still teach and go to dance. I am doing better than the last time I posted, but still have my daily struggles, but then again we all do. I think I will go in more detail of how life has been going lately.
Dance just started back up again, and I still teach ages 13-17, and I love every  minute of it. However, this year I was asked to choreograph a dance for my own team. This was a huge struggle for me. I am so insecure with my self that this was a huge challenge for me. I was so worried about what everyone was going to think, and I desperately wanted all my team mates to enjoy and like the dance. I taught a workshop to all of my team on a Saturday and we learned the entire 2 minute 45 second dance in two hours. I left the studio feeling defeated. I did not feel like a had done a good enough job, or that I was a good teacher and was not able to explain things appropriately. I had to go set up my classroom, so I had a nice car ride and cried the whole way there and sat in the parking lot for a while. The owner of the studio sent me a text saying she hoped it went well and that she loved me. I sent her one back letting her know that I did not think it went that well, and it seemed as if people were angry, frustrated, and some even shed some tears. Of course, this did not help my insecurities. I have come a long way though, and texted the girls that I thought were un happy with me, my dance, and my choreography. Both of them let me know that their mood had nothing to do with my teaching, choreography, or even me. One was pregnant and was not even sure why she was crying, and the other said she was tired and exhausted from doing two jobs at work, while a co-worker was out on personal leave. I also got a call from the owner and she talked me down. She let me know that she would have never asked me to teach the team if she did not think I could do it, and if she did not think it would be good enough or hard enough. She also told me that I needed to believe in my self as much as she does and other people do. This is not something that is new to me. I never believe people when they give me a compliment. I think they are just saying that because they feel they have to or because they feel bad for me or something. My brain constantly tells me the nice things people say about me are lies. It is something that I have struggled with my entire life. I am starting to be okay with my dance and the fact that I and my team are performing it. I am trying to ignore what I think everyone is saying, and just enjoy the fact that the owner and some of my peers wanted me to choreograph the dance. I am excited for what this dance year will bring!
Another change is my living situation. I moved out of my mom's house the end of May 2013, and it is everything that I have expected it to be. I knew it would be hard and money would be tight sometimes, but I do not regret moving out on my own. I absolutely love it and would not change a thing, minus having a little more money to make me feel more secure. They allow pets, so I was able to bring Ottis with me. He absolutely loves it there. Not sure why since it is a small place and he does not have a backyard to run around in. We go to my mom's to do laundry and she watches him once in a while when I have to go out of town or am babysitting for the weekend, and he just cries when I leave him there. He gets so happy when I come to pick him up. Last time I think his little paws only hit the ground 3 times from my mom's door to my car. It normally takes his little paws about twenty steps to get to my car. I am so surprised by how much he loves it there. And honestly, I love having him there as well. I thought it would be hard taking him down three sets of stairs to go the bathroom, but it is not bad and he has gotten good at letting me know when he needs to go out and not going in the house. We still do not have a ton of things in our apartment to make it look homely, but we are getting there. First we need to get a vacuum and cleaning supplies. Pretty sure those should come before home décor:).
Work has also changed since I last posted. I had moved departments and was much happier than when I first started, but I still was not very happy. My depression and anxiety were not getting any better and I just needed to change something fast. A friend I dance with let me know about preschool services and I sent my application to the secretary of the department. They did not have any postings on line, but I thought I would just let them know I was interested in case anything came up. I got a call about a week later, and they said they were hiring and wanted to set up an interview. I was so shocked and so thankful that I sent my resume in even though there were no postings. I went to the interview and felt things went very well. I had not heard from them in a while, but I was okay with not getting the job because I had stepped out of my comfort zone and made a stride in changing my life. I had gone to St. George to visit one of my best friends/sisters, so I could get a break and try and get some happiness back in my life and soul. It worked very well, she always makes me smile and feel so much better. I love spending time with my SFF Deja! I came back and two days later I got a call from one of the supervisors and they offered me a job. I could not believe it, I was so excited and said YES! The hard part now, was giving my two weeks notice to my current job. I had made some great friends there, but I was not happy and needed to leave. I put my two weeks notice in and my last day at Davinci was August 16th. It was a bitter sweet day and I miss those girls dearly. The following Monday was my first day of my new job and it was an 8 hour training. It was so long and very overwhelming. They had offered me a position of being the lead teacher, but I did not feel that I was up for that just yet. I was still struggling with my depression, and I didn't want to add too much stress at first. I wanted to make sure I was cut out for this. I had many training my first week and it was a long overwhelming week. My brain felt like it could not hold any more information. I met my lead teacher and found out our classroom was getting a grant, so we would not be starting when everyone else was starting. We had to pack up our classroom because we were getting all new furniture! We were very excited, but very stressed and worried. I quit my good paying job for this and now I was not going to have money coming in for a while. It was a struggle and still is a struggle money wise. I still have not gotten my first paycheck and have been working my new job for over a month now. But, the school district only pays the employee's once a month and I had just missed the cut off date. We finally got all our stuff, and we started class this last Monday. It was a little rough the first two days, but I am loving it now! I know it has only been a week, but I absolutely love my job! I love working with these kids and watching their faces light up when they get something right.  I only work Monday-Thursday now, and I am really liking that as well. I work less hours than I did at my old job, but make more an hour. Thankfully it evens out to be close to the same amount of money in the end. I am so thankful the lord nudged me into getting this job! It is just amazing and I could not think of anything better to do.
Now, in regards to me personally. I am doing so much better than last year at this time. I still have low days, anxiety and depression, but is starting to get under control. I still don't feel like everything is going the way I would like, but it is a start. Donna's dad found the church and time that we belong to now, and I am considering going back to church. I have never stopped believing the gospel, but have a very hard time going by my self. I get so anxious when I go places that have a lot of people in them. I try to remember that the Sacrament is the most important part of the meeting and as long as I can get through that, then it is okay. I try and go to as many meetings as possible, but know that it is okay to just go to Sacrament. I still have the demons in my head that tear me down every day and make me feel horrible about my self, but I know I can get through this and everything will be worth it in the end.
I am so thankful for the wonderful family and friends in my life. They have been an amazing support for me. I don't know what I would do without them. I can honestly say I would not be here if it were not for my parents, best friends and extended/adopted family. I owe my life to them and will forever be in their debt. My best buds Donna and Deja have been life savors and are always there for me when I need them. My mom is a rock and I love her so much! She was and is always there for me and I love when I get random texts from her. It puts a smile on my face and brightens up my day. My dad and step mom have also been wonderful through all of this as well. My dance family is also amazing, they were all there when I needed help and always willing to help me out. I could not have gotten through the days without the random texts, cards, and facebook posts from them. Life is a struggle still, but I am a stronger person because of it, and will fight the demons in my head until the day I die.

Love you all, and will try and update you on life more often!
Brandie

....Worth it.

I am worth it. My life is worth it. This journey is worth it. I never said it would be easy, I only said it would be worth it. It has been a long year and a half. I have struggled so much with myself, and I think I am starting to heal. For a long time I have felt that I was not worth it, that my life was not worth it. I did something this weekend that was entirely for me! For the first time in my life, I did something for me, knowing that a lot of people would not be happy and or okay with. I got a tattoo this last weekend. It is on my left wrist, and it says "worth it". It is a constant reminder that me and my life are wroth it. This is not something I did at the spur of the moment. I have been thinking and yes, even praying about it. I asked and wondered if this was the right thing for me in my life. The answer I got was yes. I received this answer in so many ways, it was hard to ignore. I can honestly say that it is helping me already. I was feeling really down and just not happy with my self at all, and then I got a glimpse of my tattoo, and I was reminded that I am worth it. It may be hard to believe right now, but with time, and continual repeating in my head I will believe it. I am so glad I got my tattoo this last weekend. I am so thankful for the constant reminder that I am worth it. I am so proud of it and my self for taking this giant step in the right direction!

FIREWORK.....

It has been a long while since I last wrote on here, and I wish I could say my post was happier than the last ones. I was doing better for a while. I had gotten on medicine and was/am seeing a counselor. Then about a month ago everything startgin falling apart again. Don't know why? I am on new medicine now, and I really really hope it starts working soon. The only exciting thing that will be happening, is I am getting a tattoo. It will be on my wrist and it is going to say "Worth It". It will be a constant reminder to my self that me and my life are worth it. It has been something I have struggled with for a long time, and has gotten worse over the years.
I did get a promotion at work! That was exciting. I am now in the Customer Care departemtn, and I like it so much better! I have met some wonderful people and really enjoy all the people I work with. Dance has started again, and I know teach the oldest students, besides my class, and I love it. I was not sure how it was going to go, but I really have enjoyed it so far. They are a bunch of beautiful young woman and dancers! I am so proud and honored to be their teacher! That is really all that has been going on in my life lately. Just trying to keep my head above water and lose it. Love you all!


Do you ever feel like a plastic bagDrifting through the wind, wanting to start again?Do you ever feel, feel so paper thinLike a house of cards, one blow from caving in?
Do you ever feel already buried deep?Six feet under screams, but no one seems to hear a thingDo you know that there's still a chance for you'Cause there's a spark in you?
You just gotta ignite the light and let it shineJust own the night like the 4th of July
'Cause baby, you're a fireworkCome on, show 'em what you're worthMake 'em go, oh, oh, ohAs you shoot across the sky
Baby, you're a fireworkCome on, let your colors burstMake 'em go, oh, oh, ohYou're gonna leave 'em falling down
You don't have to feel like a waste of spaceYou're original, cannot be replacedIf you only knew what the future holdsAfter a hurricane comes a rainbow
Maybe you're reason why all the doors are closedSo you could open one that leads you to the perfect roadLike a lightning bolt, your heart will blowAnd when it's time, you'll know
You just gotta ignite the light and let it shineJust own the night like the 4th of July
'Cause baby you're a fireworkCome on, show 'em what you're worthMake 'em go, oh, oh, ohAs you shoot across the sky
Baby, you're a fireworkCome on, let your colors burstMake 'em go, oh, oh, ohYou're gonna leave 'em falling down
Boom, boom, boomEven brighter than the moon, moon, moonIt's always been inside of you, you, youAnd now it's time to let it through
'Cause baby you're a fireworkCome on, show 'em what you're worthMake 'em go, oh, oh, ohAs you shoot across the sky
Baby, you're a fireworkCome on, let your colors burstMake 'em go, oh, oh, ohYou're gonna leave 'em falling down
Boom, boom, boomEven brighter than the moon, moon, moonBoom, boom, boomEven brighter than the moon, moon, moon

Read more: KATY PERRY - FIREWORK LYRICS

Missing my best friend!!!

So, my best friend has gone to Hong Kong for a week and I am miserable. I am not handling it very well at all. I can't talk to her at all, and I am having trouble making it through the days. Especially when I don't have to work. Tomorrow is going to be a hard day. No work, and dance is not until 7. I think I will clean and maybe do some heavy exercise. Lots and lots of cleaning!!!! I feel as if a part of me is missing. I feel numb and empty without my best friend. You could say my right hand. I dont do anything without her and I don't know how to function with out her. I cry every day and I can't stop once I start. I really really really hate this!!!! I don't know if I can handle another week. I will have to keep my days very pact full of anything and everything!!!!!!! I know it sounds pretty pathetic to listen to me go on about a friend. I know it sounds like a significant other, and it kind of is. She has been there for me and we have been through a lot together. This sucks so bad. I hate this!!!! Here is to another week. Hope I can make it through without my bestest friend and sister. Love you tons Donna Lee Lancaster!!!!!! Can't wait until you are back in Utah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Fearless

I painted my nails today, this wonderful orangeish redish color. The name for this polish is none other than FEARLESS. I received this polish from my amazing best friend Donna. She gave it to me for Valentines day. She said it was something I needed, and thought it could help me through all the rough times and days. I would really love to be fearless. I think that is a great goal to have. It's a very broad term, but it's something I want to be able to achieve in some aspects of my life. Still stsruggling, but doing better than the last post. Still struggling with depression and anxiety, but learning new ways of dealing with it and facing it. Still can't stand on my own two feet yet, and this is something I have realized the past two weekends. i have been somewhat alone the past two weekends, because my best friend has been away with family. She has been the reason I am still standing. Without her I would not be able to stand and live through the ups and downs of life right now. I have to pack my weekends and days full of stuff in order for me to keep going. Without her I feel as if I am all alone and have no where to turn. She has been the constant in my life right now, and I feel lost without her. It doesn't help that I am a girl and my emotions are all over the place right now. I have been an absolute mess the past two days. I bawled my eyes out last night on my way home, and I bawled my eyes out while at work and on my way home from work. There are so many emotions at the surface lately, and it never helps when my hormones are all over the place. I look forward to the day when I can enjoy life and be able to stand on my own two feet. Be able to love my self for who and what I am. Once I can learn to love my self, it will be easier to allow others to love me. So, FEARLESS, that is what I strive to be. Fearless to be on my own and to not live through others. To be able to accept my self and my life, no matter who is apart of it. I want to be able to stand on my own two feet. Here is to FEARLESS!

"Remind me who I am..."

"When I lose my way, and forget my name Remind me who I am. In the mirror all I see is what I don't wanna be, Remind me who I am. In the loneliest places when I can't remember what grace is. Tell me, once again, Who I am to you...When my heart is like a stone, and I'm running far from home, Remind me who I am. When I can't received your love, afraid I'll never be enough, Remind me who I am." This is a song by Jason Grey. It hits everything on the spot. I don't know who I am anymore, and I hate everything about my self and my life. I'm miserable and hating every moment of it. This weekend sucks, and I feel so alone. Can't sleep, crying all the time. I have happy moments, but never happy days. I so want to be happy, and I just cant seem to figure out how. Getting help, but it has only been a couple of weeks. I know you can't change things over night, but I just want to be happy now. I want to love my self and what I have. Instead, I hate my self and can only wish for things to come, and not be grateful for what I have been blessed with now. I'm sinking in this deep dark pit of despair. Hoping things will get better, but see no light at the end of the tunnel. Just stuck at this point in my life.

Thankful!

I am so grateful for all the people the Lord has placed in my life. I am thankful for all the worthy priesthood holders he has placed in my life. That I can call on them in my time of need and ask for a blessing. I am so thankful that I can call on the Lord for help. That he can help me when I am struggling. He can help carry my burdens and ease my troubles. He can and does send the Holy Ghost to help comfort me. No matter where I am in my life, I know I can always call on the Lord for help. I am so thankful for this gospel and all that it can do for me. I am thankful for the Atonement and that I can return to my Heavenly Father. That my sins can be forgiven, and that I can be made whole and perfect. I cannot be perfect on my own, but with and through the Savior Jesus Christ, I can be made perfect in the end. As long as I do my best and keep the commandments of the Lord, the Savior will do the rest. He has put people in my life to help me make it through this life and all of its trials. I am so grateful for all he has blessed me with. He has given me so much, and I take so much of it for grantide. I hope that I can take what I have learned from the wonderful people in my life and been given, and become a better person and more like the Savior. I am so thankful for this gospel, and for all the amazing people the Lord has placed in my life. I am truly blessed with an amazing support system, and I owe it all to the Lord.