It has been almost a year since my last post. Things have changed dramatically since then. I have moved out of my mom's house and live in an apartment with my best friend. I also have a new job. I am a preschool teacher with Granite School District. I am still very happy with my decision to get my tattoo, and I still teach and go to dance. I am doing better than the last time I posted, but still have my daily struggles, but then again we all do. I think I will go in more detail of how life has been going lately.
Dance just started back up again, and I still teach ages 13-17, and I love every minute of it. However, this year I was asked to choreograph a dance for my own team. This was a huge struggle for me. I am so insecure with my self that this was a huge challenge for me. I was so worried about what everyone was going to think, and I desperately wanted all my team mates to enjoy and like the dance. I taught a workshop to all of my team on a Saturday and we learned the entire 2 minute 45 second dance in two hours. I left the studio feeling defeated. I did not feel like a had done a good enough job, or that I was a good teacher and was not able to explain things appropriately. I had to go set up my classroom, so I had a nice car ride and cried the whole way there and sat in the parking lot for a while. The owner of the studio sent me a text saying she hoped it went well and that she loved me. I sent her one back letting her know that I did not think it went that well, and it seemed as if people were angry, frustrated, and some even shed some tears. Of course, this did not help my insecurities. I have come a long way though, and texted the girls that I thought were un happy with me, my dance, and my choreography. Both of them let me know that their mood had nothing to do with my teaching, choreography, or even me. One was pregnant and was not even sure why she was crying, and the other said she was tired and exhausted from doing two jobs at work, while a co-worker was out on personal leave. I also got a call from the owner and she talked me down. She let me know that she would have never asked me to teach the team if she did not think I could do it, and if she did not think it would be good enough or hard enough. She also told me that I needed to believe in my self as much as she does and other people do. This is not something that is new to me. I never believe people when they give me a compliment. I think they are just saying that because they feel they have to or because they feel bad for me or something. My brain constantly tells me the nice things people say about me are lies. It is something that I have struggled with my entire life. I am starting to be okay with my dance and the fact that I and my team are performing it. I am trying to ignore what I think everyone is saying, and just enjoy the fact that the owner and some of my peers wanted me to choreograph the dance. I am excited for what this dance year will bring!
Another change is my living situation. I moved out of my mom's house the end of May 2013, and it is everything that I have expected it to be. I knew it would be hard and money would be tight sometimes, but I do not regret moving out on my own. I absolutely love it and would not change a thing, minus having a little more money to make me feel more secure. They allow pets, so I was able to bring Ottis with me. He absolutely loves it there. Not sure why since it is a small place and he does not have a backyard to run around in. We go to my mom's to do laundry and she watches him once in a while when I have to go out of town or am babysitting for the weekend, and he just cries when I leave him there. He gets so happy when I come to pick him up. Last time I think his little paws only hit the ground 3 times from my mom's door to my car. It normally takes his little paws about twenty steps to get to my car. I am so surprised by how much he loves it there. And honestly, I love having him there as well. I thought it would be hard taking him down three sets of stairs to go the bathroom, but it is not bad and he has gotten good at letting me know when he needs to go out and not going in the house. We still do not have a ton of things in our apartment to make it look homely, but we are getting there. First we need to get a vacuum and cleaning supplies. Pretty sure those should come before home décor:).
Work has also changed since I last posted. I had moved departments and was much happier than when I first started, but I still was not very happy. My depression and anxiety were not getting any better and I just needed to change something fast. A friend I dance with let me know about preschool services and I sent my application to the secretary of the department. They did not have any postings on line, but I thought I would just let them know I was interested in case anything came up. I got a call about a week later, and they said they were hiring and wanted to set up an interview. I was so shocked and so thankful that I sent my resume in even though there were no postings. I went to the interview and felt things went very well. I had not heard from them in a while, but I was okay with not getting the job because I had stepped out of my comfort zone and made a stride in changing my life. I had gone to St. George to visit one of my best friends/sisters, so I could get a break and try and get some happiness back in my life and soul. It worked very well, she always makes me smile and feel so much better. I love spending time with my SFF Deja! I came back and two days later I got a call from one of the supervisors and they offered me a job. I could not believe it, I was so excited and said YES! The hard part now, was giving my two weeks notice to my current job. I had made some great friends there, but I was not happy and needed to leave. I put my two weeks notice in and my last day at Davinci was August 16th. It was a bitter sweet day and I miss those girls dearly. The following Monday was my first day of my new job and it was an 8 hour training. It was so long and very overwhelming. They had offered me a position of being the lead teacher, but I did not feel that I was up for that just yet. I was still struggling with my depression, and I didn't want to add too much stress at first. I wanted to make sure I was cut out for this. I had many training my first week and it was a long overwhelming week. My brain felt like it could not hold any more information. I met my lead teacher and found out our classroom was getting a grant, so we would not be starting when everyone else was starting. We had to pack up our classroom because we were getting all new furniture! We were very excited, but very stressed and worried. I quit my good paying job for this and now I was not going to have money coming in for a while. It was a struggle and still is a struggle money wise. I still have not gotten my first paycheck and have been working my new job for over a month now. But, the school district only pays the employee's once a month and I had just missed the cut off date. We finally got all our stuff, and we started class this last Monday. It was a little rough the first two days, but I am loving it now! I know it has only been a week, but I absolutely love my job! I love working with these kids and watching their faces light up when they get something right. I only work Monday-Thursday now, and I am really liking that as well. I work less hours than I did at my old job, but make more an hour. Thankfully it evens out to be close to the same amount of money in the end. I am so thankful the lord nudged me into getting this job! It is just amazing and I could not think of anything better to do.
Now, in regards to me personally. I am doing so much better than last year at this time. I still have low days, anxiety and depression, but is starting to get under control. I still don't feel like everything is going the way I would like, but it is a start. Donna's dad found the church and time that we belong to now, and I am considering going back to church. I have never stopped believing the gospel, but have a very hard time going by my self. I get so anxious when I go places that have a lot of people in them. I try to remember that the Sacrament is the most important part of the meeting and as long as I can get through that, then it is okay. I try and go to as many meetings as possible, but know that it is okay to just go to Sacrament. I still have the demons in my head that tear me down every day and make me feel horrible about my self, but I know I can get through this and everything will be worth it in the end.
I am so thankful for the wonderful family and friends in my life. They have been an amazing support for me. I don't know what I would do without them. I can honestly say I would not be here if it were not for my parents, best friends and extended/adopted family. I owe my life to them and will forever be in their debt. My best buds Donna and Deja have been life savors and are always there for me when I need them. My mom is a rock and I love her so much! She was and is always there for me and I love when I get random texts from her. It puts a smile on my face and brightens up my day. My dad and step mom have also been wonderful through all of this as well. My dance family is also amazing, they were all there when I needed help and always willing to help me out. I could not have gotten through the days without the random texts, cards, and facebook posts from them. Life is a struggle still, but I am a stronger person because of it, and will fight the demons in my head until the day I die.
Love you all, and will try and update you on life more often!
Brandie
