This has become my new theme song. At the moment, I have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Yeah! So exciting, not. It has come as a relief actually. It gives me some answers, and makes things a little bit better. My primary care doctor diagnosed me with Bipolar, and is now referring me to a Psychiatrist. I have been trying for weeks to get into to one. I have to get into one before my new medication runs out. My primary care doctor gave me a new prescription, and then said she could no longer help and referred me to a Psychiatrist. Most of the ones called, could not get me in until the middle of December, and that is far too late. I run out of my medication the first week of December. If any of you have had to take medication for mental health, you know how bad it is to stop taking your medication all of a sudden. It makes the hormones and emotions go crazy, even more than they already are. Thankfully, I got a call back yesterday and I have an appointment with a Psychiatrist next Tuesday, right before Thanksgiving. We will see if she has the same diagnosis as my primary care doctor. Besides that, I have been doing everything I can to stay healthy and fight the ups and downs of said Bipolar. I got a membership to a gym, and I also have a personal trainer I meet with him once a week. So far it is going good. I really like having a personal trainer, and I really like my personal trainer. He is very nice, and very motivating. I also see a Therapist once a week to help with the ups and downs. I try and keep my self busy during the rest of the day, in hopes of keeping my brain occupied. I have a real problem staying focused and on track. My brain jumps from one idea to another so easily and so quickly. Sometimes, most of the time, I feel like my preschool students who are so easily distracted. I cannot focus to save my life.
My medication does seem to be working. It has helped slow my brain down, so I can somewhat process what is going on around me and in my head. The ups and downs are not as bad, but still there. I have read so much about Bipolar disorder lately, and I truly believe I do have a form of Bipolar disorder. I don't believe I have the full blown highest form of Bipolar, but possibly Bipolar II. My manic phases consist of extreme irritability, anger, racing thoughts, loss of focus, easily distracted, reckless driving (so not like me), horrible with my money (again so not like me), and issues staying on task and focused at work. If I do not have a list of what needs to get done, then I start and never finish about 5-10 different projects. If I do make a list and can focus on it, I can knock out the entire list plus some in one day. If I can keep my self focused, I can accomplish a ton during my manic phase.
My depression phase is the complete opposite. I do not have racing thoughts, and I cannot get anything done. I have absolutely no desire to get out of bed and go to work. Thankfully, my OCD and perfectionist side helps me keep my job. I have to be the perfect employee, daughter, friend, teacher, student, supervisor, etc. Some may say that is just called responsibility and being an adult. Nope, it does not feel like a choice to me. I have to go to work, because I cannot disappoint or make someone's day harder. I cannot force my responsibilities onto another coworker, who usually has a lot more stuff that needs to be done than I do. I cannot miss dance, because it's close to performance and we need everyone there. Or I cannot miss it because so many others have missed it. My brain will not let me miss anything, in fear of what others will think and say. I cannot disappoint anyone. Impossible? Yes, it is impossible to not disappoint everyone, but my brain does not care. We have to be perfect in everything we do and say.
This blog is so nice for me. It makes it so I can put my thoughts out there and not have to think about them. I do not care if anyone reads my blog, it is mainly for me to spill my guts without burdening someone else with it all. I am writing this post from work, and it is time to get back to it. My cute little kiddos will be arriving soon, and I need to get back on track and focused.
Ta Ta for now:)
Wednesday, November 19, 2014
Tuesday, September 23, 2014
A long long time ago....
Wow, it has been far too long since I last updated this thing. I am sure no one is following me or watching my blog any more, because I have not written anything on here or been on here for almost a year. Things have changed a lot since I last wrote on here. I am not sure where to start. I guess I will start with the best part of my life!
I am now the lead teacher at my school! It is very exciting and stressful, but I absolutely love it! There is no better job out there. Don't get me wrong, it is very challenging, but it is the best part of my life so far! My dream job. I love the people I work with. The Special Education team I work with is absolutely amazing!!! I don't know what I would do without them. The first of the year is always a rough one. Especially when I only have about one English speaker in each of my classes. Lets just say I have become quit the actress:). Pantomiming is a great talent to have in preschool. The hardest part so far is trying to communicate with the parents as well as their students. I have 5 different languages that are spoken in my class. Half of my kiddos speak Spanish, and the rest speak various languages from Asia. I barely know enough Spanish to let my kiddos know I am not happy with what they are doing, to sit on their fish, read a book, wash their hands, bathroom necessary, and some of the basic colors. It's not much or enough, but it does help them understand a little bit until they can get the routine down.
Home is very interesting. I now live with my mom in Tooele. It is quit the drive to work and then home from dance. I live in the basement with my own entrance. Everyone basically keeps to them selves, and it gets very lonely. Unless it is hunting season, we usually have a family dinner together. Why hunting season you say? Well, Robbie, my moms husband, owns his own Beef Jerky shop called Thompsons Jerky. You may have heard of it. Their biggest time of year is hunting season. They make pure profit this time of year. People bring in their meat to have it butchered, turned into jerky, and whatever else you do with your game meat. They do not have to pay for anything, so they make their biggest amount of money during this time of the year.
I guess I should tell you my mom got married two days after my birthday in March. She is very happy and Robbie is an amazing guy. I love to see my mom so happy all of the time. The only down part, is the 62 year old creepy man that lives in their basement. He is a nice guy, but he has no teeth, has the build of a druggy, and does not have a real job. He helps Robbie around the house as well as at the shop during the busy season. He does the laundry, not mine or my moms, he cleans the house, takes care of the youngest boy (treats him like a toddler), and anything else that Robbie may need. I have no idea why he is there, but he really creeps me out. He lives in the basement with me. I have locks on all of my doors, and have them locked majority of the time. I will not give his name out, but will just call him Creeper. I know that sounds harsh, but you would feel the same way if you lived with him. It is just a very weird dynamic at the house.
Back to me living at my moms. I basically keep to myself, because no one else is usually ever around. Mondays and Tuesdays I go straight from work to dance, so I leave my house at 7A.M. and return anywhere between 9 &10P.M. It makes for some very long days.
I still teach and take dance. Monday nights I take class for 3 hours. It is a lot of work these days. Not only am I getting older, but I sprained both ankles at the end of June, and they are just not healing very fast. They are getting better, but not as fast as I would like them to. I teach dance on Tuesdays, to girls that range from 12-19. They are a fun bunch of girls, but sometimes it is just like teaching preschool. I actually think my preschoolers behave better than they do most of the time. I taught them a lyrical this year, and I am really excited for them to perform it as well as compete it. The song is "Coming Home" by Skylar Gray. My dance is about soldiers who have gone to war and how them come home. They all come home, but not in the way we would like them too. They may come home in a box, missing body parts, MIA, or missing part of their soul that was lost during their horrible time over seas. The girls are amazing dancers, and it is so exciting to see your choreography come to life. Especially when it is the way you imagined it.
Now on to me personally. I am not sure what to say about that. I am still struggling with my anxiety and depression, and it is not getting any easier. If it were not for my job and my cute dance students, I don't think I would be able to survive and stay afloat. My self esteem is still so low. I have no faith in myself, and it is hard to accept the positives that other people see in me. My coping mechanisms are awful and probably getting worse. I still sometimes starve my self, and now have turned to scratching/cutting. I know it not an okay coping mechanism, but sometimes it feels as if that is the only thing that helps ease the pain. It is a great release for the pain that is inside that I can't seem to let out. I still go to Therapy, just started back up, and we are working on it. My Therapist told me about this really cool project called "The Butterfly Project". Every time you feel the need to cut or self harm, you draw a butterfly in pen or sharpies. If you do not cut/self harm, then the butterflies live. If you cut then the butterfly or butterflies all die. You can also put someone's name under the butterfly so it helps you to not kill it. I have two butterflies on my right leg. It really does work if you can get the butterflies on your leg. Mine are beautiful, and I am considering get a butterfly tattoo on each leg, but we will see. It is not something I recommend anyone doing. It starts out feeling good and then you feel guilty right after you do it. Then, after a while you do not feel anything and you want to do more. It becomes an addiction that you can't stop, no matter how much people beg or ask you too. You could start crying and yelling at me and I don't think it would make me stop. They will feel guilty at the moment and a couple of hours afterwards, but then the next day is a new day and the urge is too strong no too. It is so crazy to me. I never would have imagined myself this way or doing these things. I have so much more respect and empathy for people now. You really never know what someone is going through in their personal life. So, for now that is all I am going to say. I will try and keep you updated on how things are going, and will try and make my posts more positive. I know, this one was a doosey, as are most of my posts, but this is my outlet. Writing it down and putting words to it really does help sometimes.
Please spread the word if you know of anyone who is struggling with self harm. This is a beautiful and amazing project!
I am now the lead teacher at my school! It is very exciting and stressful, but I absolutely love it! There is no better job out there. Don't get me wrong, it is very challenging, but it is the best part of my life so far! My dream job. I love the people I work with. The Special Education team I work with is absolutely amazing!!! I don't know what I would do without them. The first of the year is always a rough one. Especially when I only have about one English speaker in each of my classes. Lets just say I have become quit the actress:). Pantomiming is a great talent to have in preschool. The hardest part so far is trying to communicate with the parents as well as their students. I have 5 different languages that are spoken in my class. Half of my kiddos speak Spanish, and the rest speak various languages from Asia. I barely know enough Spanish to let my kiddos know I am not happy with what they are doing, to sit on their fish, read a book, wash their hands, bathroom necessary, and some of the basic colors. It's not much or enough, but it does help them understand a little bit until they can get the routine down.
Home is very interesting. I now live with my mom in Tooele. It is quit the drive to work and then home from dance. I live in the basement with my own entrance. Everyone basically keeps to them selves, and it gets very lonely. Unless it is hunting season, we usually have a family dinner together. Why hunting season you say? Well, Robbie, my moms husband, owns his own Beef Jerky shop called Thompsons Jerky. You may have heard of it. Their biggest time of year is hunting season. They make pure profit this time of year. People bring in their meat to have it butchered, turned into jerky, and whatever else you do with your game meat. They do not have to pay for anything, so they make their biggest amount of money during this time of the year.
I guess I should tell you my mom got married two days after my birthday in March. She is very happy and Robbie is an amazing guy. I love to see my mom so happy all of the time. The only down part, is the 62 year old creepy man that lives in their basement. He is a nice guy, but he has no teeth, has the build of a druggy, and does not have a real job. He helps Robbie around the house as well as at the shop during the busy season. He does the laundry, not mine or my moms, he cleans the house, takes care of the youngest boy (treats him like a toddler), and anything else that Robbie may need. I have no idea why he is there, but he really creeps me out. He lives in the basement with me. I have locks on all of my doors, and have them locked majority of the time. I will not give his name out, but will just call him Creeper. I know that sounds harsh, but you would feel the same way if you lived with him. It is just a very weird dynamic at the house.
Back to me living at my moms. I basically keep to myself, because no one else is usually ever around. Mondays and Tuesdays I go straight from work to dance, so I leave my house at 7A.M. and return anywhere between 9 &10P.M. It makes for some very long days.
I still teach and take dance. Monday nights I take class for 3 hours. It is a lot of work these days. Not only am I getting older, but I sprained both ankles at the end of June, and they are just not healing very fast. They are getting better, but not as fast as I would like them to. I teach dance on Tuesdays, to girls that range from 12-19. They are a fun bunch of girls, but sometimes it is just like teaching preschool. I actually think my preschoolers behave better than they do most of the time. I taught them a lyrical this year, and I am really excited for them to perform it as well as compete it. The song is "Coming Home" by Skylar Gray. My dance is about soldiers who have gone to war and how them come home. They all come home, but not in the way we would like them too. They may come home in a box, missing body parts, MIA, or missing part of their soul that was lost during their horrible time over seas. The girls are amazing dancers, and it is so exciting to see your choreography come to life. Especially when it is the way you imagined it.
Now on to me personally. I am not sure what to say about that. I am still struggling with my anxiety and depression, and it is not getting any easier. If it were not for my job and my cute dance students, I don't think I would be able to survive and stay afloat. My self esteem is still so low. I have no faith in myself, and it is hard to accept the positives that other people see in me. My coping mechanisms are awful and probably getting worse. I still sometimes starve my self, and now have turned to scratching/cutting. I know it not an okay coping mechanism, but sometimes it feels as if that is the only thing that helps ease the pain. It is a great release for the pain that is inside that I can't seem to let out. I still go to Therapy, just started back up, and we are working on it. My Therapist told me about this really cool project called "The Butterfly Project". Every time you feel the need to cut or self harm, you draw a butterfly in pen or sharpies. If you do not cut/self harm, then the butterflies live. If you cut then the butterfly or butterflies all die. You can also put someone's name under the butterfly so it helps you to not kill it. I have two butterflies on my right leg. It really does work if you can get the butterflies on your leg. Mine are beautiful, and I am considering get a butterfly tattoo on each leg, but we will see. It is not something I recommend anyone doing. It starts out feeling good and then you feel guilty right after you do it. Then, after a while you do not feel anything and you want to do more. It becomes an addiction that you can't stop, no matter how much people beg or ask you too. You could start crying and yelling at me and I don't think it would make me stop. They will feel guilty at the moment and a couple of hours afterwards, but then the next day is a new day and the urge is too strong no too. It is so crazy to me. I never would have imagined myself this way or doing these things. I have so much more respect and empathy for people now. You really never know what someone is going through in their personal life. So, for now that is all I am going to say. I will try and keep you updated on how things are going, and will try and make my posts more positive. I know, this one was a doosey, as are most of my posts, but this is my outlet. Writing it down and putting words to it really does help sometimes.
Please spread the word if you know of anyone who is struggling with self harm. This is a beautiful and amazing project!
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