This has become my new theme song. At the moment, I have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Yeah! So exciting, not. It has come as a relief actually. It gives me some answers, and makes things a little bit better. My primary care doctor diagnosed me with Bipolar, and is now referring me to a Psychiatrist. I have been trying for weeks to get into to one. I have to get into one before my new medication runs out. My primary care doctor gave me a new prescription, and then said she could no longer help and referred me to a Psychiatrist. Most of the ones called, could not get me in until the middle of December, and that is far too late. I run out of my medication the first week of December. If any of you have had to take medication for mental health, you know how bad it is to stop taking your medication all of a sudden. It makes the hormones and emotions go crazy, even more than they already are. Thankfully, I got a call back yesterday and I have an appointment with a Psychiatrist next Tuesday, right before Thanksgiving. We will see if she has the same diagnosis as my primary care doctor. Besides that, I have been doing everything I can to stay healthy and fight the ups and downs of said Bipolar. I got a membership to a gym, and I also have a personal trainer I meet with him once a week. So far it is going good. I really like having a personal trainer, and I really like my personal trainer. He is very nice, and very motivating. I also see a Therapist once a week to help with the ups and downs. I try and keep my self busy during the rest of the day, in hopes of keeping my brain occupied. I have a real problem staying focused and on track. My brain jumps from one idea to another so easily and so quickly. Sometimes, most of the time, I feel like my preschool students who are so easily distracted. I cannot focus to save my life.
My medication does seem to be working. It has helped slow my brain down, so I can somewhat process what is going on around me and in my head. The ups and downs are not as bad, but still there. I have read so much about Bipolar disorder lately, and I truly believe I do have a form of Bipolar disorder. I don't believe I have the full blown highest form of Bipolar, but possibly Bipolar II. My manic phases consist of extreme irritability, anger, racing thoughts, loss of focus, easily distracted, reckless driving (so not like me), horrible with my money (again so not like me), and issues staying on task and focused at work. If I do not have a list of what needs to get done, then I start and never finish about 5-10 different projects. If I do make a list and can focus on it, I can knock out the entire list plus some in one day. If I can keep my self focused, I can accomplish a ton during my manic phase.
My depression phase is the complete opposite. I do not have racing thoughts, and I cannot get anything done. I have absolutely no desire to get out of bed and go to work. Thankfully, my OCD and perfectionist side helps me keep my job. I have to be the perfect employee, daughter, friend, teacher, student, supervisor, etc. Some may say that is just called responsibility and being an adult. Nope, it does not feel like a choice to me. I have to go to work, because I cannot disappoint or make someone's day harder. I cannot force my responsibilities onto another coworker, who usually has a lot more stuff that needs to be done than I do. I cannot miss dance, because it's close to performance and we need everyone there. Or I cannot miss it because so many others have missed it. My brain will not let me miss anything, in fear of what others will think and say. I cannot disappoint anyone. Impossible? Yes, it is impossible to not disappoint everyone, but my brain does not care. We have to be perfect in everything we do and say.
This blog is so nice for me. It makes it so I can put my thoughts out there and not have to think about them. I do not care if anyone reads my blog, it is mainly for me to spill my guts without burdening someone else with it all. I am writing this post from work, and it is time to get back to it. My cute little kiddos will be arriving soon, and I need to get back on track and focused.
Ta Ta for now:)
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