Missing my best friend!!!

So, my best friend has gone to Hong Kong for a week and I am miserable. I am not handling it very well at all. I can't talk to her at all, and I am having trouble making it through the days. Especially when I don't have to work. Tomorrow is going to be a hard day. No work, and dance is not until 7. I think I will clean and maybe do some heavy exercise. Lots and lots of cleaning!!!! I feel as if a part of me is missing. I feel numb and empty without my best friend. You could say my right hand. I dont do anything without her and I don't know how to function with out her. I cry every day and I can't stop once I start. I really really really hate this!!!! I don't know if I can handle another week. I will have to keep my days very pact full of anything and everything!!!!!!! I know it sounds pretty pathetic to listen to me go on about a friend. I know it sounds like a significant other, and it kind of is. She has been there for me and we have been through a lot together. This sucks so bad. I hate this!!!! Here is to another week. Hope I can make it through without my bestest friend and sister. Love you tons Donna Lee Lancaster!!!!!! Can't wait until you are back in Utah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Fearless

I painted my nails today, this wonderful orangeish redish color. The name for this polish is none other than FEARLESS. I received this polish from my amazing best friend Donna. She gave it to me for Valentines day. She said it was something I needed, and thought it could help me through all the rough times and days. I would really love to be fearless. I think that is a great goal to have. It's a very broad term, but it's something I want to be able to achieve in some aspects of my life. Still stsruggling, but doing better than the last post. Still struggling with depression and anxiety, but learning new ways of dealing with it and facing it. Still can't stand on my own two feet yet, and this is something I have realized the past two weekends. i have been somewhat alone the past two weekends, because my best friend has been away with family. She has been the reason I am still standing. Without her I would not be able to stand and live through the ups and downs of life right now. I have to pack my weekends and days full of stuff in order for me to keep going. Without her I feel as if I am all alone and have no where to turn. She has been the constant in my life right now, and I feel lost without her. It doesn't help that I am a girl and my emotions are all over the place right now. I have been an absolute mess the past two days. I bawled my eyes out last night on my way home, and I bawled my eyes out while at work and on my way home from work. There are so many emotions at the surface lately, and it never helps when my hormones are all over the place. I look forward to the day when I can enjoy life and be able to stand on my own two feet. Be able to love my self for who and what I am. Once I can learn to love my self, it will be easier to allow others to love me. So, FEARLESS, that is what I strive to be. Fearless to be on my own and to not live through others. To be able to accept my self and my life, no matter who is apart of it. I want to be able to stand on my own two feet. Here is to FEARLESS!

"Remind me who I am..."

"When I lose my way, and forget my name Remind me who I am. In the mirror all I see is what I don't wanna be, Remind me who I am. In the loneliest places when I can't remember what grace is. Tell me, once again, Who I am to you...When my heart is like a stone, and I'm running far from home, Remind me who I am. When I can't received your love, afraid I'll never be enough, Remind me who I am." This is a song by Jason Grey. It hits everything on the spot. I don't know who I am anymore, and I hate everything about my self and my life. I'm miserable and hating every moment of it. This weekend sucks, and I feel so alone. Can't sleep, crying all the time. I have happy moments, but never happy days. I so want to be happy, and I just cant seem to figure out how. Getting help, but it has only been a couple of weeks. I know you can't change things over night, but I just want to be happy now. I want to love my self and what I have. Instead, I hate my self and can only wish for things to come, and not be grateful for what I have been blessed with now. I'm sinking in this deep dark pit of despair. Hoping things will get better, but see no light at the end of the tunnel. Just stuck at this point in my life.