....Worth it.

I am worth it. My life is worth it. This journey is worth it. I never said it would be easy, I only said it would be worth it. It has been a long year and a half. I have struggled so much with myself, and I think I am starting to heal. For a long time I have felt that I was not worth it, that my life was not worth it. I did something this weekend that was entirely for me! For the first time in my life, I did something for me, knowing that a lot of people would not be happy and or okay with. I got a tattoo this last weekend. It is on my left wrist, and it says "worth it". It is a constant reminder that me and my life are wroth it. This is not something I did at the spur of the moment. I have been thinking and yes, even praying about it. I asked and wondered if this was the right thing for me in my life. The answer I got was yes. I received this answer in so many ways, it was hard to ignore. I can honestly say that it is helping me already. I was feeling really down and just not happy with my self at all, and then I got a glimpse of my tattoo, and I was reminded that I am worth it. It may be hard to believe right now, but with time, and continual repeating in my head I will believe it. I am so glad I got my tattoo this last weekend. I am so thankful for the constant reminder that I am worth it. I am so proud of it and my self for taking this giant step in the right direction!

FIREWORK.....

It has been a long while since I last wrote on here, and I wish I could say my post was happier than the last ones. I was doing better for a while. I had gotten on medicine and was/am seeing a counselor. Then about a month ago everything startgin falling apart again. Don't know why? I am on new medicine now, and I really really hope it starts working soon. The only exciting thing that will be happening, is I am getting a tattoo. It will be on my wrist and it is going to say "Worth It". It will be a constant reminder to my self that me and my life are worth it. It has been something I have struggled with for a long time, and has gotten worse over the years.
I did get a promotion at work! That was exciting. I am now in the Customer Care departemtn, and I like it so much better! I have met some wonderful people and really enjoy all the people I work with. Dance has started again, and I know teach the oldest students, besides my class, and I love it. I was not sure how it was going to go, but I really have enjoyed it so far. They are a bunch of beautiful young woman and dancers! I am so proud and honored to be their teacher! That is really all that has been going on in my life lately. Just trying to keep my head above water and lose it. Love you all!


Do you ever feel like a plastic bagDrifting through the wind, wanting to start again?Do you ever feel, feel so paper thinLike a house of cards, one blow from caving in?
Do you ever feel already buried deep?Six feet under screams, but no one seems to hear a thingDo you know that there's still a chance for you'Cause there's a spark in you?
You just gotta ignite the light and let it shineJust own the night like the 4th of July
'Cause baby, you're a fireworkCome on, show 'em what you're worthMake 'em go, oh, oh, ohAs you shoot across the sky
Baby, you're a fireworkCome on, let your colors burstMake 'em go, oh, oh, ohYou're gonna leave 'em falling down
You don't have to feel like a waste of spaceYou're original, cannot be replacedIf you only knew what the future holdsAfter a hurricane comes a rainbow
Maybe you're reason why all the doors are closedSo you could open one that leads you to the perfect roadLike a lightning bolt, your heart will blowAnd when it's time, you'll know
You just gotta ignite the light and let it shineJust own the night like the 4th of July
'Cause baby you're a fireworkCome on, show 'em what you're worthMake 'em go, oh, oh, ohAs you shoot across the sky
Baby, you're a fireworkCome on, let your colors burstMake 'em go, oh, oh, ohYou're gonna leave 'em falling down
Boom, boom, boomEven brighter than the moon, moon, moonIt's always been inside of you, you, youAnd now it's time to let it through
'Cause baby you're a fireworkCome on, show 'em what you're worthMake 'em go, oh, oh, ohAs you shoot across the sky
Baby, you're a fireworkCome on, let your colors burstMake 'em go, oh, oh, ohYou're gonna leave 'em falling down
Boom, boom, boomEven brighter than the moon, moon, moonBoom, boom, boomEven brighter than the moon, moon, moon

Read more: KATY PERRY - FIREWORK LYRICS

Missing my best friend!!!

So, my best friend has gone to Hong Kong for a week and I am miserable. I am not handling it very well at all. I can't talk to her at all, and I am having trouble making it through the days. Especially when I don't have to work. Tomorrow is going to be a hard day. No work, and dance is not until 7. I think I will clean and maybe do some heavy exercise. Lots and lots of cleaning!!!! I feel as if a part of me is missing. I feel numb and empty without my best friend. You could say my right hand. I dont do anything without her and I don't know how to function with out her. I cry every day and I can't stop once I start. I really really really hate this!!!! I don't know if I can handle another week. I will have to keep my days very pact full of anything and everything!!!!!!! I know it sounds pretty pathetic to listen to me go on about a friend. I know it sounds like a significant other, and it kind of is. She has been there for me and we have been through a lot together. This sucks so bad. I hate this!!!! Here is to another week. Hope I can make it through without my bestest friend and sister. Love you tons Donna Lee Lancaster!!!!!! Can't wait until you are back in Utah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Fearless

I painted my nails today, this wonderful orangeish redish color. The name for this polish is none other than FEARLESS. I received this polish from my amazing best friend Donna. She gave it to me for Valentines day. She said it was something I needed, and thought it could help me through all the rough times and days. I would really love to be fearless. I think that is a great goal to have. It's a very broad term, but it's something I want to be able to achieve in some aspects of my life. Still stsruggling, but doing better than the last post. Still struggling with depression and anxiety, but learning new ways of dealing with it and facing it. Still can't stand on my own two feet yet, and this is something I have realized the past two weekends. i have been somewhat alone the past two weekends, because my best friend has been away with family. She has been the reason I am still standing. Without her I would not be able to stand and live through the ups and downs of life right now. I have to pack my weekends and days full of stuff in order for me to keep going. Without her I feel as if I am all alone and have no where to turn. She has been the constant in my life right now, and I feel lost without her. It doesn't help that I am a girl and my emotions are all over the place right now. I have been an absolute mess the past two days. I bawled my eyes out last night on my way home, and I bawled my eyes out while at work and on my way home from work. There are so many emotions at the surface lately, and it never helps when my hormones are all over the place. I look forward to the day when I can enjoy life and be able to stand on my own two feet. Be able to love my self for who and what I am. Once I can learn to love my self, it will be easier to allow others to love me. So, FEARLESS, that is what I strive to be. Fearless to be on my own and to not live through others. To be able to accept my self and my life, no matter who is apart of it. I want to be able to stand on my own two feet. Here is to FEARLESS!

"Remind me who I am..."

"When I lose my way, and forget my name Remind me who I am. In the mirror all I see is what I don't wanna be, Remind me who I am. In the loneliest places when I can't remember what grace is. Tell me, once again, Who I am to you...When my heart is like a stone, and I'm running far from home, Remind me who I am. When I can't received your love, afraid I'll never be enough, Remind me who I am." This is a song by Jason Grey. It hits everything on the spot. I don't know who I am anymore, and I hate everything about my self and my life. I'm miserable and hating every moment of it. This weekend sucks, and I feel so alone. Can't sleep, crying all the time. I have happy moments, but never happy days. I so want to be happy, and I just cant seem to figure out how. Getting help, but it has only been a couple of weeks. I know you can't change things over night, but I just want to be happy now. I want to love my self and what I have. Instead, I hate my self and can only wish for things to come, and not be grateful for what I have been blessed with now. I'm sinking in this deep dark pit of despair. Hoping things will get better, but see no light at the end of the tunnel. Just stuck at this point in my life.